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Lashmush
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5line Records, Legion and Order of Omega

Posted by Lashmush - October 9th, 2010


So there I was, on the bathroom with a laptop I stole from some hipster girl who, before I repossessed her machine as mine, tried to claim something about chauvinism and its connection to whale hunting. Needless to say, I punched her repeatedly. She cried. I told her that this is what I would do to a man in this scenario, so she should be happy feminism is working out so well.

While purging my bowels and discussing religion on an obscure forum (I like to multitask activities that have metaphorical relationships) I was surprised to see that my Inbox on Newgrounds had a single message. It read as follows:

"Greetings, future drone of the great Syndicate. You have been selected to join our label in the perpetuation of music that shall be the melodies to which we enslave the sheep of this world. Do not attempt to resist in any way. It is futile. You will be assimilated.

We have dispatched our gatherers who should be arriving shortly. Do not worry yourself concerning your possessions. You will only be allowed sufficient air and sustenance to craft one album after which you will be summarily terminated and incinerated.

Thank you and have a pleasant shit, Mr. Sorber." to which I subsequently shit myself. Luckily I was allready in the process of taking a dump so this was simple two bricks at once, once rolling down the fast lane past the slower one.

I promptly wiped myself with that brutalized girls laptop, threw it in the can and flushed. This didn't actually do anything in particular, but somehow felt very satisfying to me.

I then went out of my bathroom to see two indistinguishable men looking down at me through their shades floating nicely in front of vague faces at 7'2".

"We need you to come with us, ass-hat." they told me in a very monotone and bureaucratic manner.

"What did you just call me?"

"Asset. Please, this way." They responded.

I decided that I had two options: I could either come with them voluntarily and maybe get viciously beaten in a cellar, or resist, get viciously beaten in my home, then while unconscious, be dragged to a cellar, woken up, and subsequently viciously beaten once more.

"Fine." I responded. They beat me.

"Why are you beating me?!" I cried out. "I'm not resisting!" trying the best I could to hide my yelping, girlish voice as the battery of salmon slaps and nipple twists started to break my psyche.

"You made light of explosive diarrhea in one of your songs. My father died that way!" one of them burst out while smacking me with something that seemed like a hard, plastic plate.

"What?! I never made-- oooooh..." I thought to myself as I suddenly realized that I'm an astoundingly juvenile person.

"Wait, your father died from explosive diarrhea?" I asked, trying to picture how this would be possible. Perhaps I was not giving explosive enough emphasis, but a realistic scenario to build up to such an event eluded me.

I also realized that I was being beaten with the laptop I earlier used as some bizarre make-shift toilet paper. I did my best remembering to punch that hipster again.

I awoke to find myself in my own bed, with nothing but a letter and a laptop in my ass.

I shut down the laptop and removed it from my ass, then opened the letter.

"You used the computing appliance as bathroom etiquette. You are now a signed artist of 5line Records."

I immediately went downstairs and into the kitchen, fried up some bacon and eggs, unleashed myself upon them with furious energy and focused hard.

Then I realized why being signed by a record label is such a mysterious event and my mind was blown. So were my underwear.

Legion tracks uploaded so far:

Cry For Mercy (with Vocals)
Legion (Instrumental)
Boomstick (Instrumental)
Burn (Instrumental)
Terminal (Instrumental)
Chorus Diaboli (Instrumental)

A little over 21 minutes so I'm over the halfway mark, at least.

Legion will be my first actual, legit, commercially available album. It will be performed live by the band I'm currently assembling. We're only one member short of beginning rehearsal. (2nd Guitarist)

The band will be known as "Order of Omega" and you will do well to keep a lookout for it since part of my future material will be released under that title. The members right now are:

Rasmus "Lashmush" Sorber - Vocals, lyrics, songwriting, composing, production.
Dennis "Dimoria" Eriksson - Lead/Rythm guitar and studio recording.
Nikolaj "Algaroth" Sorber - Bass-guitar

We have a drummer considering joining that can blast beat at 240 BPM which is rediculously fast no matter how you slice it.

In any case, there will be more recording during this coming week and hopefully we can manage two songs this time. Legion and Burn.

In unrelated news, I've made another Hybrid song as well as remastered the third. The Hybrid songs are my medleys of different themes. Video-game or movie songs so far, but they have a common foundation for being connected into a Hybrid track. For instance, Hybrid II's tracks all have in common their sources excessive brutal nature.

Hybrid III (Remaster) - F-Zero, Mega Man 2, Castlevania 2, Castlevania SotN, Mega Man X.

Hybrid IV - Eight movie soundtracks combined into one. Includes such movies as Lord of the Rings, Saw, Pirates of the Caribbean, and so forth.

I suppose that's all for now.

P.S. Remember to punch hipsters on sight so they learn to stop being hipsters and get a real fucking computer instead of those ridiculous laptops.


Comments

Your story... it blew me away just like your underwear blew of you.
This was a hilarious and interesting story full of creativeness, the way you put that story together reminds me of a friend of mine.

Well anyways i enjoyed the shit out of it and i hope you get through with that band of yours i know that stuff isn't easy to deal with.

"Ocean" was the best shit i ever heard of you.

You should join me for a turd rally some time. You will hear better shit, I promise.

Wow a record deal, NICE!! I have one question though. Is this an average day to you, I mean do things like punching hipsters, getting beaten by 7'2" men, and getting laptops shoved up your ass a normal thing. If so then my life is dull by comparison.

Not daily, but I send hipster girls to the hospital every week or so.

Oh look! You spelled my name right!

htank u, aglaroht.